A Day in the Life of a (Struggling) Law Student

just a disclaimer sa last post ko…

despite what i posted in that entry, i just wanna clarify some things: i do trust God to be truly sovereign in my love life. i know He’s in control & He’s in the process of writing my love story. who knows, maybe He’s just working something out in the one He really has intended for me. (who knows, maybe it’s a guy far more better than this one that i’m sooooo into right now)

and it’s not that i’m impatient either…ok, maybe i am considering that 2 of my closest friends just got engaged while i seem to be oh so loveless - romantically-speaking, that is. but who says one needs a lovelife to be happy? after all, despite the hectic schedule, i’m happy in law school with all my cases, recitations, blockmates and extra-curricular activities….(haha, boy am i such a nerd…some things just don’t change). i’m happy with my family, with my friends, perfectly contented materially, super couldn’t ask for anything more socially either.
it’s just that the sting of rejection is painful…not that i’ve made advances to this particular guy i like…it’s just that i feel that he doesn’t really like me back. and how do i know that? ooops, that i really can’t tell coz that would give his identity away. let’s just say, basta, feeling ko lang. and that feeling just sucks, doesn’t it? coz that’s when you begin asking, “teka, what’s wrong ba with me?”

oooh…i really do hate this sting of rejection! yet i know, as He always does, God has a purpose for things such as this…He always does. and He always works things out for the good. still, i’m not precluded from being authentic about what i really truly feel right now, am i not?

i deliberately looked for this essay in the files i was able to salvage from my good ol’ PC when i was in college. am posting it here coz once more, i could find myself being able to relate to the stuff i wrote 6 yrs ago (yep, it’s been that long).

at least now, a different guy is involved…doesn’t that at least indicate some progress on my part? haaay, am just finding out that i never really did learn - being the stubborn person that i am. i seem to have this knack of getting infatuated with guys who don’t like me back - while being a creepy guy / simply mr. wrong magnet on the side. totoo yata kasi talaga yung smokey mountain song na yon eh, “nakakalito ang mundo, kung sinong mahal mo, siyang ayaw sa yo…” and i bewail this fate of mine. when am i ever gonna have that happy ending?

anyway, enough of what i’m feeling right now. here goes my 6-year-old essay…maybe you too could relate…

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LESSONS LEARNED FROM UNREQUITTED LOVE

it’s strange to note that the same things keep on happening and happening…and unless you learn from the lessons these things bring about, it’s a sure thing that you would see similar events happening again in the future.

i have avoided my diary for almost a year now, and when i finally did open it today, i found out that what i’m going through right now (trying to get over this boy) was the exact same thing i went through a year ago. talk about dejavu’! only this time, the pain is so much more worse…and i absolutely abhor this fact.

i guess this thinking in retrospect has been trigerred by the dream i had last night. i dreamt that i was talking to the bestfriend of the girl boy likes. in my dream, i asked daw the girl’s bestfriend kung may pag-asa ba si boy kay girl. she said, “oo meron.” hearing that (even in my dream!) may have been the reason why i am not feeling that well and am even unusually antisocial today. di ko alam kung psychosomatic ba ang pagsakit ng ulo ko or what. but anywayz kahit dream lang yon, it opened my eyes to reality and to the following lessons:

1. THERE’S NO USE HOLDING ON TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WHICH IS NOT EVEN YOURS IN THE FIRST PLACE. the thought of us is but a dream of mine, which could even be a nightmare to him.

2. LETTING GO IS A PROCESS, NOT SOMETHING WHICH TAKES PLACE IN A SPLIT-SECOND. even though you think all the hurt has already hit you, and you have finally made the decision to let go, there are times when your heart wanders on occassion to the memories that you’ve shared with the person and to the hopes and dreams that you’ve built on sand - sandcastles that reality’s tide has time and again threatened to wash off and destroy. but then you remember to stop living in that fantasy world (a.k.a. the past) to face the more pressing matters of life. as you overindulge yourself in the real state of affairs, you somehow forget the lesson which was supposedly learned with all the hurt. thus, the same things happen all over again. only this time, you fall and are hurt with a bigger thud. and each time this happens, you realize you never really learned from that mistake after all.

as for the pain, days, weeks, or months (sometimes even years) will pass. after quite some time, you’ll think you have already recovered, and that your heart has long since healed from its wounds. but time and again, as it wanders back to those memories, you’ll find out that…

3. TIME DOESN’T REALLY HEAL WOUNDS, IT JUST MAKES THINGS EASIER TO BEAR. each time you feel the pain, the throbs would just lessen in intensity until it comes to a point when you would eventually even feel numb. numb enough to forget. and having forgotten, you would go back and let yourself succumb to the same hurts, such that…

4. …YOU DON’T REALLY EVER LEARN.

but from all the brouhaha over this boy, i hope i do learn. learn to not fall for him (or someone like him) ever again. learn to get him out of my system and learn that if ever someone else comes along (i do hope that someone else would come along!), that someone should be placed under the scrutiny which this boy should have been placed. i hope i finally learn and never forget this pain. for if i forget, i am bound to just hurt myself by falling for this trap of unrequitted love all over again.

been wanting to post another blog entry but found myself delaying doing so because…
a.) it’s time-consuming. takes away time from my studies. heck, haven’t you noticed that i haven’t been answering any surveys lately? that’s how hectic school already is, despite the fact that it’s only been two weeks (barely even) since school started…
b.) i don’t really want to reveal something ultra-personal here (so kung ganun, ba’t pa nga ba ako nag-b-blog, right?)
c.) if i keep on blogging (or typing), i know, sooner or later, i’d be blabbing on about him - this guy whom i like sooooooo much…can’t believe he’s been right under my nose all this time! (literally!) i know they say that when one falls in love, it always feels like the first time. i know i don’t love him yet (though it’s annoying how he’s growing on me) but darnit i like him so much that i feel like i’m in highschool all over again. ooooh…do i hear mushiness here? wait, here’s more: i like him so much that i refuse to flirt with him. that i don’t even know how to talk to him (as in me, tongue-tied!). and i like him so much that it’s inspiring me to be a better Christian, and a better law student (aaaaargh!!! can’t believe i’m actually saying these things!!!!!!). yet, i don’t wanna do anything about this (not until he does - well, which is probably not in a million years, anyway. and besides, i wanna let things flow naturally, devoid of any scheme or manipulation)…i like him so much that i’m deliberately staying away from all the others (at sana naman, nakikita nya yon ngayon). but the thing is, this guy, i don’t really see an “us” in the short-term (coz as of now, i’m not yet ready for serious commitments which could make me walk down the aisle. and seems to me, he’s either really torpe, or still trying to find out if he likes me, or maybe he just doesn’t like me at all…huhu! sob!). thing is, if ever, i do see myself settling down with that person. and actually, that SCARES me bigtime. (and even scarier…i don’t think i’ve ever really liked anyone like this before) aaaarggghhhh…i better stop typing soon. told ya, i’d be blabbing about him. don’t wanna talk about him too much, lest his identity be revealed…that must never happen, not until the “right time” comes…but when’s the right time anyway? God knows…literally! definitely, Siya na talaga ang bahala…anyway, if it’s not His will, wala rin namang mangyayari dito, right? so wag na lang simulan, hangga’t hindi sigurado. baka makasakit lang at masira ang friendship. aaaaarghhhh…i really better stop now. methinks, i’m giving myself away too much. (thank God, he doesn’t have a friendster account! or else he’d probably quiz me as to who this person is…or maybe he’ll assume that it’s him…but nah, he’s not the type to be so assuming. or maybe he is? hmmmmmm….)

In my devotional the other day, I came across this statement by a man named George Mueller: The only way to know strong faith is to endure great trials.

Looking back at the year that was, my twenty-fifth year of existence was a period of intense heartbreak emotionally and academically. At the time of the heartbreak, I had to endure great pain. And yet through those times, God was teaching me two valuable lessons: one on obedience and another on humility & true dependence on Him.

One of valleys in my life last year was the end of a year-long relationship with a guy who had already asked me to marry him. The guy did not really have a personal relationship with God, and though I knew that the Bible in 2 Cor 6:14 exhorts us to “not be yoked together with unbelievers…”, I persisted with my willfulness, thinking, “maybe I could change him.” Sadly however, despite this “Supergirl mentality”, I failed and eventually, the relationship caused me to drift away from the Lord as I rationalized my way through most things. Eventually, the relationship ended due to my ex-boyfriend’s unfaithfulness. Sure, I was devastated. But if not for such heartbreak, I wouldn’t have realized that I had already turned away from my first love: God. Yet despite my disobedience to His word, when I came to my knees and repented, I experienced God’s unexplainable peace and comfort. My recovery was quite remarkable and I just praise God for the way He had restored me to sanity and to once more have a firm grip on the vision and purpose He had previously revealed to me. Looking back, I realized that God loves me so much that He didn’t allow me to travel down a path leading to possible marital misery. I know in my heart that He has so much better plans in store for me. Now, I simply surrender my love life to Him, and refuse to jump on the first (or second or third) Mr. Right-Now’s who come my way. And besides, it feels different to approach God knowing that no such sin of disobedience is making me bashful to appear before His presence. There is simply renewed and increased confidence, which comes from just trusting in His plans for me.

There were more seeming dejections as I experienced academic boo-boo’s upon shifting from a corporate career to a legal education. I got my lowest GPA thus far ever in the first semester of my first year in law school. A failing grade in my classcard was indeed a shocker to me after having consistently graduated with honors from nursery to college. I eventually questioned whatever analytical, speech & writing abilities I thought I had. I worked harder, yet the results were still not commensurate to the effort I exerted. A lot of times, I simply got frustrated…and cried out to the Lord. It was during these times that He revealed to me that I was not to survive law school through my own talents. Instead, I was to soar above the stresses of law school “in Him and in His mighty power” (Eph 6:10). Sometimes, however, I’d go back to my old ways as I regained confidence in myself. Eventually, I got burned out and God again reminded me that “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not grow faint.”. (Isaiah 40:31). Indeed, my Freshman year in law school was a period of humbling. It taught me that I was not to boast in my so-called intelligence & achievements; instead, as it is written in 1 Cor 1:31, “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” Starting this Tuesday, I’ll now be in my second year in law school and these are words that I shall continue to live by.

Trials indeed appeared to have abounded last year in my life. Yet this summer, upon reflecting on the latest year of my life’s journey, I realized two things:
First, Christ may delay coming to us during our times of distress, but it is simply so our faith may be tested and strengthened. His purpose is also that our prayers will be more powerful, our desire for deliverance will be greater, and when deliverance finally comes, we appreciate it more fully.
Second: There may be a great work occurring in our lives when things seem their darkest. We may see no evidence yet, but God is at work. He works through the night, until the morning light dawns. We may not readily see it, but through the night of our life, as we trust Him, He works.

And praise God, indeed, for He never tires, and is always continually at work in me, in you, in each of us. Oftentimes, we just need to yield to Him and listen more intently to His voice. Praise Him for He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received. God bless us all and to the students, may we all have a blessed, Christ-centered school year ahead of us!

PART THE WATERS

Ref.      When I think I’m going under, part the waters, Lord.
            When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea.
            When I cry for help O hear me Lord,
            and holt out your hand.
            Touch my life, still the raging storm in me.

Knowing you love me through the burdens I must bear,
hearing your footsteps lets me know I’m in your care;
And in the night of my life you bring the promise of day.
Here is my hand, show me the way.

Ref.

When I  love me helps me face another day,
hearing your footsteps drives the clouds and fears away;
And in the tears of my life I see the sorrow you bore,
Here is my pain, heal it once more.

Ref.