A Day in the Life of a (Struggling) Law Student

THE UNSPOKEN

i may be no poet. but this i write for you.

i won’t be seeing you now.
not for some time i believe.
but i just want to tell you
right now, you’re on my mind.
i haven’t thought about you
for quite a long time now.
i tried so hard i succeeded.
yet now i look back on what was.

twas all so complicated.
we both had strings attached
strings which pulled us back.
the words were never said.
but admidst the silence,
throughout denials
you & i knew there was magic.
that there was something there.

the chances passed us by.
twas never meant to be.
and days and nights flew quickly
in the midst of everything that surrounded,
denial soon succeeded.
magic faded to oblivion.
now you’re leaving prematurely
and i mourn this sorry plight.

didn’t have the chance to tell you,
so i’m telling you right now.
for whatever that was then.
you lightened up what was dreary.
the laughter, music and friendship
i will always remember.
you were special despite the inspite’s.
thank you so much, my dear friend.

and i want you to know
though i know it’s now too late,
that there was a time
i was too close to the edge
and maybe i did fall.
still each time i’ll see that empty seat,
i’m sure, i will
miss you.

i mourn the loss of my precious, beautiful XDA II (march 3, 2004-aug 27, 2005). twas a faithful, faithful PDA phone during it’s lifetime with me. we shared a lot of good and bad memories together. it was the product of my last salary in P&G. (hence the very high sentimental value)

i mourn the loss of the 256K memory stick, where a whole lot of photos, videos, files & sound clips are stored (read: high sentimental value). it doubled as a reliable portable file storage, those days when my laptop didn’t have an externable floppy disk drive yet.

i mourn the loss of the database of contact information of friends’ & business associates. it was a list that i started putting together since i got out of college four years ago.

my XDAII is survived by its foldable keyboard, extra batt, metal case and chargers (laptop charger, car charger and desktop charger), all of which still remain in my apartment. the memory stick is survived by its card reader. and they are all for sale now (with the exception of the card reader)

as for the thief who stole it today while i was studying along the corridor of the 3rd floor of malcolm hall, all i can say is…there is justice in this world. a man always reaps what he sows.

my condolences go, as well, to aman, whose phone was also stolen today.

Brown Penny
William Butler Yeats

I whispered, ‘I am too young,’
And then, ‘I am old enough’;
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
‘Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.’
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

must love dogs…

…unlike what chicco said, it wasn’t such a bad movie after all. i actually found it cute. methinks it was the perfect movie to watch with jok, leah & zang after the crim pro exam & a hospital visit to ron, who’s dengue-struck
while i was watching that movie, i just couldn’t help but think…
1.) omigosh, that’s my laptop! that’s my hair! and heyyy…minus the part of the movie pertaining to diane lane’s carnal relations with bobbie (my bestfriend’s wedding guy) & the attempted one with john cusack, that’s my life!!!
2.) john cusack is just soooo cute (with his puppy dog eyes)…sino kaya ang counterpart nya sa life ko?
3.) maybe i better put up an ad somewhere..the ad for THE GUY should contain those 40+ characteristics. and instead of must love dogs, it should go, “must love God”

may exam na naman kami tomorrow! this time sa crim pro (para kapag may mga criminal cases kayo, malaman ko na kung anong gagawin ko). sana naman, matuto na akong sumagot nang maayos sa exam. ewan ko ba, twisted cguro ang utak ko. para “yes/no, legal basis, application to facts” format lang, di ko pa masunod. actually, wala pa akong written exam na masasabi kong talagang matino, yung tipong maipagmamalaki ko talaga in law school. i’m not an excellent speaker but i think i speak better than i write nowadays. (so ganun ka-olats). heck, i get better recit grades than my exams. for example, yung recit ko sa torts, 1.5 ang standing. yung exam ko 2.5. ayos lang sana yon kaso madali lang yung exam na yon eh. dami ngang naka-line of one. tapos sa mga friends ko pa, sure ako, ako yung lowest. at least not the lowest in class but still…hindi nakakatuwa, di ba?
kaka-depress, i grew up pa man din thinking na may future ako sa pagsusulat - what, with my adv eng & ruralite adventures. dati naman, matataas ang grades ko sa mga compositions. sabi ng teachers ko dati, ok raw ang creative writing skills ko. pero ba’t gnun ngayon? hindi naman pala. (kung sabagay, what’s so creative about legal writing?) i dunno when i’ll get the hang of this, pero sana i get it na really quick. sawa na ako sa mga mediocre & even failing exam results. gusto ko naman makakuha ng mataas-taas (sino bang hindi?). kasi, it’s not as if i don’t study (God knows i study hard naman!), it’s not as if i don’t know the answer din naman. pa’no ba ‘to? ano bang dapat kong gawin? gusto ko namang makabawi.

can’t believe i’m saying this, but i miss accounting exams. in fairness, i loved to answer prac 1 Qs. lalo na yung book ni valix, super natuwa talaga ako dun. kasi enjoy naman mag-c-compute, di ba? (i’m sure my sister won’t agree with me here). naku, i must be going out of my mind…can’t believe i’m now saying that i miss accounting exams! (with the exception of BA 118…yep, even BA 114, nagustuhan ko yon!)

but i can’t always look back & stay in the past (kahit masarap mag-wallow in my days of glory - adv eng, and yes, slight, even BA 99.1 days - kahit pa’no, and math 100 days - nung nakaka-100 pa ako sa long exams). dapat prospective, forward looking. Lord, help…puhlease…(mga friends, pagdasal nyo naman ako o…)

picture this. the ever-torpe guy you’ve super liked (hindi lang basta like! understatement pa nga yan eh!) for months tells you out of the blue that he’s going to watch a movie alone. he notices how stressed out you are (and you are really, truly stressed out) and he tells you to relax. you want to go with him…though he didn’t really ask you out (e, torpe nga eh! tipong the guy who’d take a decade…literally!…just to make a move on someone he likes…assuming arguendo that he does like you)…well, you could always say, “sama ako!” hindi ba? grab the chance! carpe diem! but your boss suddenly has a deadline for you to beat. so you can’t go. soooo powerless over the situation. the first chance to actually, in a way, go out with this guy has just passed you by. annoying, isn’t it? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

now, you’re done with your deadline…now what?!?!?!?

(pag ako talaga nainip, mag-d-d-moves na ako! but wait, turn off yon sa kanya so…NO…i guess i’ll just wait in vain…and continue to blog in good faith…hoping that he won’t ever, ever see this)

it’s a rainy thursday afternoon. and my day has just begun at 2 p.m. (heyyy, give me a break, been to an allnighter group study and i slept at 6:30 a.m. na)

lemme see…i’ve a labor case to digest, and tomorrow’s grinds of labor, sales & crim pro to prepare for. (God forbid that i get called for recit or else i might actually screw up this time! buti na lang last time i got called for crimpro, twas for the one SOLE case that i was able to read for that meeting)…there’s torts w/c i should continue studying lest i still have less than half-baked knowledge for my midterms this saturday, and insurance w/c i should start studying (or else i’d be producing some really funny answers for this saturday’s midterms, giving sir carale & the joint classes something to laugh about at my expense!). there’s the office (w/c i might not report to today…eh sa i need to study eh! bahala na si batman! i did my job na. finished my deadlines. and i’m going pa to the meeting tomorrow. ano pa ba? kaka-guilty nga lang…argggh). there’s bar ops & people (potential sponsors & colleagues) to follow up. and some cash to claim from a family friend (great!!! super thank God! at least there’s a thousand pesos to add to the P56/P150T bar ops funds status.). and there’s my laundry to pick up from my grandmom’s (darn it, the cleaning lady didn’t drop by today!) and rent to collect from my boarders (they ought to pay! i’m so broke!)…

waaaahhhh! is it just possible for time to stand still for 24 more hours? but it isn’t. and i just texted my tito that i’d be in his office in 30 minutes. oh well, rockwell. i better get going…

I had a tiny box, a precious box
Of human love - my perfume of great price;
I kept it close within my heart of hearts
And scarce would lift the lid lest it should waste
Its fragrance on the air. One day a strange
Deep sorrow came with crushing weight, and fell
Upon my costly treasure, sweet and rare,
And broke the box to pieces. All my heart
Rose in dismay and sorrow at this waste,
But as i mourned, behold a miracle
Of grace Divine. My human love was changed
To Heaven’s own, and poured in healing streams
On other broken hearts, while soft and clear
A voice above me whispered, “Child of Mine,
With comfort wherewith you are comforted,
From this time forth, go comfort others,
And you will know blest fellowship with Me,
Whose broken heart of love healed the world.”

you know how it is sometimes…when you try to cover up your own sadness - either by immersing yourself in a swirl of activity or by trying to blend in with a crowd. you resort to fake solutions which never really work out… you put on a pasted smile and try to deny that deep inside, you’re actually lonely. you desperately want someone to reach out to you. but you don’t know how to let that someone (or anyone) know that you need him/her/them in your life. you feel like no one really understands. you go to bed each day (or rather night), thinking that maybe in the morning, things will be different. day in and day out, this happens…until the point that you actually become tired of how sad you really are.

i don’t know if that has ever happened to you. i don’t know if you could relate to what i just rambled about. but tonight, i told myself that enough is enough. and i don’t wanna pretend anymore nor resort to futile options. finally, i admitted to myself and to God that for sometime now, i’ve been feeling so alone. and i felt even more alone as i allowed myself to cling to temporal crutches. now i realize that i’ve been trying to escape something that has been gnawing at me. tonight, i told God what i really felt…well, i know He has known all along, but i think He was just waiting for me to fall on my knees and admit this loneliness, this profanity…the sheer insufficiency of all those crutches i tried to cling to…

having searched my heart and realized all this, i now say that enough is enough.

i refuse to go back that path.

i refuse to rationalize and to feed on this self-destructive, deceptive pattern (even at these early stages). instead, i shall fix my gaze on Him & on the vision He has given.

i refuse to compromise and give in to this test. instead, i choose to cling to the truth.

i refuse to rely on my own strength because i know i simply do not have enough. instead, i rely on His…His joy is my strength.

tonight i realized i’m tired of taking things into my own hands.

tonight i cried…i cried out to Him…and it felt good.