A Day in the Life of a (Struggling) Law Student

Bar na!  Bar Ops na!  I’m excited to see the fruits of several months labor - both on the end of the Barristers and the Bar Ops team.  I’m super hoping & praying that as much as possible, things will go according to what we have planned.  Sana maraming pumunta, tumulong at sumuporta.

I’m praying for wisdom sa mga barristers, para sa Bar Ops Team ko (kasama na rin ako), for the volunteers.  For presence of mind.  For safety sa mga maghahatid ng tips.  Tsaka for me to keep my cool - composure. 

there’s remorse from the occassional depravities, fear of having to succumb to that proverbial thorn in the flesh once more, and tiredness from having to face the same issues all over.  there’s condemnation from authority figures even though i don’t do what they think i do.  there’s melancholy, as i miss the way i used to relate with some and even more sadness and desperation coz i don’t know how i could bring back old times.

then from another front there’s partial uncertainty of steadfastness in the long haul and fear of being left in mid-air like some others.  still from another front, there’s disappointment, and total uncertainty as to genuiness of concern, of relations.  confusion as to what has been done wrong and as to how amends could possibly be made.  regret from being the occassional ass that i could be.

looming still is the possibility that i may be sick.  and that there are tasks that may remain unfinished.  and right now i may not being doing the best job that i could.  because things don’t go my way sometimes.  i don’t have third persons within my control.  and on the side, i am tired and burned out, and am asking myself if i have de-prioritized the big rocks of my life.

so if i were sick indeed and won’t be able to make it, i would have lived an insignificant life.  die an insignificant death.  to think that i had all these dreams of grandeur…to serve.  to be used for a purpose bigger than myself.   (did i take the wrong turns to end up here?)

but if my life were to prematurely cease indeed, i hope it won’t be for naught.  that somehow, someway, in the past couple of months lives have still been touched through me.  plights made better. 

i apologize for thoughtless comments said.  comments which probably had hurt.  for useless words which did not build up.  sorry for acts left undone and for performed acts which should have been undone.  malice or no malice (though rest assured, most of the time no malice is involved) involved, i am really sorry.  though i try my best to be politically correct, my temper and impulses sometimes get the better of me. 

and for these burdensome thoughts, i am sorry. sorry for the rants.  these things i don’t often admit that i have.  because i hate thinking of doubts and burdens.  but i do admit, sometimes i have them.  and sometimes, they become too difficult for me to bear.

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probably because i was never meant to bear them…aaaahhhh…yes, eureka.  that’s it.  i don’t want to carry these all on my shoulders.  i am tired of holding on to these issues.  i let go.  once more, please take over.  i am unable to solve my dilemmas.  please pretty please teach me how to see everything in Your light.  i need You.  always, i do.  i am weak without You.

sorry for my oftentimes excessively self-sufficient nature.  a cause of pride and stubborness.  reason behind a hardened heart. 

yes, i re-surrender myself to You.  my entire being.  aspects of my life that remain in the dirty cobwebs, please deal with them.  please help me out of the pits.  i am sorry for hiding.  for doubting, for forgetting.  when Your love is just out there, in here.  all around me, waiting for me to embrace it. 

thank You for Your reminders that You are with me.  that i am never alone.  Hide me in Your holiness.  that they may see me no more.  but instead see You. 

thank You.  i love You.

i don’t know why i get my share of freaky texts / guys these days.  check these out:

msg # 1: Good pm. i’ve heard so much aout your name at up and d active role that u have played in d college of law. These reports arouse my curiousity as to how u are like in person because u have been portrayed as some sort of an organizational genius. Like any other guy, i regarded u as an idol however im trying to imagine on how u look like and how u will react if someone like me would fall in love with you. im not from ur school but i came from d visayas. i’m christian. if u care for a reply i would really appreciate it so much. pls consider me as one of ur admirers. thanks.

i txtd back: thanks for your kind words. but i think it wld be futile to meet me because i alrdy have a boyfriend. God bless w/ ur bar review.

txt # 2: ya i know coz it would be near impossible for u not to have a boyfriend. anyway we can be friends or close friends for that matter. even then im still dying to meet u in person. will u pls give me that honor and privilege to meet u in person pls. may i know on where r u now? at least i can say that it would not be futile to fall in love w a girl whose name is plastered on d bulletin of d law building

i didn’t reply.

he texted again: hello. i know that there is no law which prohibits a girl who has a bf to meet another guy. it doesn’t follow that meeting another guy would be inimical to d interest of ur existing relationship hence it would not be an exercise in futility. im now at d law library if ur around i would appreciate it so much if we would see each other in person. would u dare to do it miss baldrias?

syempre, deadma na lang.  only logical thing to do right?  but i super hope he stops.  i’m really freaked out.

i have this good friend na para ko nang uncle. around a week ago, i learned from a common friend that he’s taking up law part-time in another university. so natuwa ako and i texted him na if ever he needs anything, text lang nya ako baka i could help (kasi i know how difficult that kind of lifestyle is). a day after, bigla ba naman tumawag. may send-off daw sila sa school for bar ops. kelangan raw nya ng date. so i thought baka naman compulsary na may date. kawawa naman sya kung wala. baka naman he just thought of bringing me coz he considers me as a good friend, maybe he wants to make kwento to someone who can relate to law school and work. so sabi ko, ok lang sa kin pending on 2 conditions: if the sked is right and if mike would give me permission to go (syempre, respect naman for my boyfriend, right?)…turns out the 2 conditions would concur din naman pala. (speaking of mike, twas so funny, the way he handled the situation. i dunno, maybe he was trying to prove that he’s not seloso that’s why he allowed me to go, but then again, he made me wear a jacket all the time, and he even buttoned it up before we left my place. haha)

it started to get freaky when he kept on repeating (siguro around 3-4 times?) how lucky mike is to have me. how his blockmates gave him this "pity look" when he mentioned that he had to whisk me away from my boyfriend pa and how he has to bring me back to him na. when he was making me hatid pabalik, he made kwento how he got his marriage annulled (rather declared null and void) due to psychological incapacity just last year. (but ayoko bigyan ng kulay yon, baka naman nagkkwento lang). tapos last night, he was sending me these messages that guys would send only to girls they were flirting with: kesyo his blockmates said daw that i’m pretty and that he concurs, and how the obvious needs to be stated from time to time. i texted a sis who also knows him, "is it just me or is he being creepy?" my sis said nga, "is he having some mid-life crisis of some sort?"

i’m kinda weirded out because i super didn’t expect this. i consider him talaga as a good friend. masaya pa man din sya kausap. but this? sana naman nag-f-feeling lang ako. or else, i think i may have to avoid him na. mike says, wag ko na lang raw reply-an yung texts nya. respecting my boyfriend’s advice, i think i’d do just that if he continues being creepy flirty weird.